From the recovering people pleaser & mystic
Many of us in our last 20’s are now coming to terms with the fact that most of all we thought was love was, in fact, actually just sacrifice. we had ourselves in the delusion that we simply lacked the power of choice which is even more terrifying than making no choice. We were clinging to something in the hopes of it becoming better because we craved that form of stability. That thing we were maybe lacking in childhood or just throughout our teenage years or even our early adult years.
The most terrifying thing about having to ask ourselves this question is having to assess our relationships not only with our partner, and our chosen family or friends, but with ourselves. We have to look at things from all perspectives and ask ourselves these really tough questions and really determine whether or not this is love or if it is sacrifice! You know… the delusion of love because, “when it’s good it’s soooo good, but when it’s bad it’s sooooo bad” so I’ll continue to play my part and hope it changes one day because this is possibly the most stable thing I have in my life right now and if I left this so I don’t know what else is on the other side.
Is the relationship something that brings you peace? Is it something that makes you feel centered in yourself? Is it something that also makes you still feel like you have your individuality and your sense of choice. Or is it simply something you get up every day and show up to like a 9 to 5 you’re not necessarily excited to go to. Yet you continue to go because it provides you with some sort of stability and reliability even if it comes in the form of unhealthy patterns.
A lot of the times we saw our parents simply show up and so that’s what we have learned to do or we saw our parents stick through things because they felt they didn’t have choices. So we learned that was the dynamic that we should follow because they led by example. The problem with that is we are now adults and we are leading by example. We are becoming the new elders, we are supposed to illuminate the way, and the reality of the situation is we have more choices than those who came before us. We do not have to stay with people or situations out of familiarity or because they provide us with stability.
A lot of the time the problem is that individually we have no clue who we are and so we’re so OK with being in a partnership where we have no sense of who we are either. Masking all around out of a need for survival.
No matter how many different ways you look at it you’re still functioning from survival mode. You’re still functioning from if I lose this then I might have nothing. There might be nothing better for me on the other side. I don’t know what I will do without this. In learning why we accept these things we learn more about ourselves and what we are willing to tolerate as cosmic beings having the human experience. This is so important as we continue forward in our healing journeys individually and as those coming into union.
One of the hardest questions that we can ask ourselves is “is the unstable foundation maybe not the relationship itself but ourselves?” Is there possibly something so deeply unhealed with us that we might need to take a step back and figure out what it is that is missing with us? True love of the self and healing starts with honesty and accountability.
We spent so long, simply showing up in the ways that we felt we were supposed to that maybe we didn’t realize that:
A. We had ourselves on the wrong pedestal! ( one of simply needing to show up and mask for those around us in our close personal relationships.)
B. We are the rocky foundation that needs to be worked on.
We truly have no clue what anything looks like or feels like outside of what we’ve already experienced, myself included at times because of these spaces we’ve placed ourselves in and these expectations we’ve placed on ourselves.
My sister Jelli told me “Aphrodite you must allow yourself the autonomy to understand and be comfortable in yourself; to truly nurture yourself and your emotions.”
This stuck with me because I realized I had gone along with what everyone else has wanted for me ( friends, family, lovers ) . Not once did I take myself off that pedestal, not once in my adult life did I discover my Full range of emotions and how things made me feel without worrying how it would make others feel.
I began to ask myself — was it genuinely ever love if I had to continuously sacrifice not only from the beginning on my physical needs but to the very end and down to my own emotional needs. Or was it the delusion of love that I had built up in my mind but never truly felt in my heart space.
Sometimes we get so fixated on the end goal that we forget that sacrifice is not the ultimate form of love and it is not how we show genuine love. We like to believe it is, but it’s not. That’s not to say there won’t be moments of compromise down the line, but this is not the same thing.
Something I had to learn and experience first hand in order to speak my truth: WE HAVE OPTIONS and It’s amazing who you give yourself permission to be when you’re not tied to the “obligation” of simply showing up!
Ladies AND gentlemen realize you too have options and it’s time to prioritize you. Don’t simply show up! You’re never going to find you or your authentic person or your tribe being anyone other than who you were born to be. So you heal you and let the right ones who love you come to you and stop wasting time and energy on people who don’t get it or aren’t trying to get it! Stop allowing others to keep you stuck, they can see you’re just as unhappy as your soul feels they simply continue to entertain it because you do so as well!
When the right people come you won’t have to mask, you won’t have to sacrifice, it will be a breath of fresh air. Like nothing you’ve ever experienced, because for the first time in your adult life you know you and who’s meant to be around you! When these people come love them as authenticity and fully as you can now love yourself. They will bring you peace!
Written by Verified Healer Imani Ambers
Get in touch with Imani Ambers in Healerverse , visit and message her profile here
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